Don't you miss it?
by Northoftheroad
Summary: Bruce tries to convince Alfred they were more comfortable before they had kids in Wayne Manor. Cross-posted at AO3.


_Disclaimer. Don't own, just playing._

x x x

"What's all the commotion, Alfred?"

"Your younger ones, sir."

"…?"

"Young Master Damian and young Master Timothy don't seem to agree on what to watch on TV, sir. Or what tea they would prefer to be served, whether Costa Rica or Japan will be more successful in the World Cup, or what is the best strategy to reach level 40 in Pokémon Go in the shortest possible time."

"I'm pretty sure I heard the sound of something breaking."

"Your ancestors did have a tendency to hoard fragile objects, sir. Perhaps we should be grateful there are natural enemies on the prowl, otherwise the objects would no doubt multiply and fill the earth."

"The only reason I can think of that I got an oldest is so that he can keep the younger ones in line. Where is Dick?"

"Master Richard is on his way, sir. When he does arrive, the young masters will have one more thing to compete about."

"… Alfred, don't you ever miss the good old days. When it was only you and I?"

"Before Master Richard, sir?"

"Yes, just you, I and the bats. Peace and quiet. No quarrels. No temper tantrums. No kids establishing their independence by running off and trying to get themselves killed."

"When your vocabulary was restricted to three-letter words, sir? And that's generous, calling the sounds you usually uttered 'words' "

"You didn't have to help anybody with their homework, or try to keep up with the latest fad for school children, or explain the world news to anyone."

"Of course, bats are such wonderful conversationalists."

"Not so many people to cook for. Dick didn't realize how spot on he was with the name Robin; birds do eat their weight several times over each day, after all."

"You mean, the time when no one actually appreciated my cooking? Sir."

"Come on, Alfred, I wasn't that bad, was I…?"

"…"

"All right. But at least you wouldn't find anyone dangling in the chandelier back in the days. Or cartwheeling into the dining room. Or jumping down from the top of the stairs, just for fun. Or chasing each other with a goddamn sword indoors."

"…"

"Fine, I'm sorry, Alfred. But my point stands. The manor was peaceful."

"Granted, sir. So is a tomb, sir."

"I could hear myself think."

"I wish I could have heard that, sir. At least then I would have known that I was not alone in a cave on a deserted island."

"And you didn't have to worry so much. Nowadays you have a whole family to worry about. You didn't approve of Robin, after all. 'He is just a lad,' you said. 'Is Master Dick best served by becoming a part of the Batman's violent world?' you asked. You burnt my coffee for months in retaliation, don't try to deny it. I still don't understand how you did it, but you did."

"You are talking about the time when you regularly came home at six o'clock in the morning, bleeding? As opposed to coming home at a - relatively speaking, of course - sensible time, taking care to be a good role model for the young masters."

"No report cards, no parent-teacher conferences – oh, those conferences when Jason went to school – and no one questioning where all the injuries come from. Child Protective Service is a marvellous thing, Alfred, as long as it happens to other people."

"So much better to read in the tabloids about all the polo accidents that had mysteriously befallen you, sir."

"No Superman pj's in the washing machine. Or Superman night lamps. Or Superman phone cases. I swear, he still has the stuff. What's so fantastic about an overgrown boy scout who can move mountains and stop comets, anyway?"

"We are still talking about your nostalgia for a time before you had learned the meaning of the word jealousy, are we, sir?"

"There weren't so many responsibilities to shoulder, and decisions to make. Or failing to make, more importantly. Panties… Why did we let him out in panties and short sleeves, Alfred? As if he wasn't attracting enough attention."

"Indeed, sir, I can't imagine why. Playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne was known for his low profile and sound judgment in all aspects of life, after all."

"Come now, Alfred. Don't you even miss when you only had evening wear in one size to take care of? We could open a rental service for formal clothes these days, with all the different sizes we need to keep in stock."

"The time when gossip journalists regularly knew more than I did about where you had spent the night, sir? Sometimes intimately?"

"No one was demanding yellow shirts and green jackets, or green boots, or five yards of red kevlar…"

"Quite right, sir. I can't imagine why the world needs other colours besides black and grey, and possibly a splash of dark blue if one feels particularly adventurous."

"You didn't have to drive and pick up at school, or at some friend's house, day after day before we had kids in the house."

"Infinitely preferable to drive your oblivious girlfriend for the day around, of course, sir."

"Don't you ever miss it, Alfred?"

"Most assuredly not, sir."

"… No… I don't suppose I do, either. But sometimes – sometimes, I really wonder why not."

x x x

 **Quote from The Batman Chronicles: the Gauntlet.**


End file.
